I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
