he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
