Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
