so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
