I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
