I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
