I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
