just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
