I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
