Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
