You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
