i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
