I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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