My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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