it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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