Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
