When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
