You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
