he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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