im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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