I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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