I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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