we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
