Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
