Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
