In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
