so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
