Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
