I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
