Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
