On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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