I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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