You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
