I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
