at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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