Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
