I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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