Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
