My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
