RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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