i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
