I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
