Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
