I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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