Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
