I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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