I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Randomize
