My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you win again, gameday.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
