I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
