i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
